Pursuing Forgiveness.

I come from the fatherless tribe. My father was and is currently battling addiction. A fact that that has limited his role in my life, and while I hate to be stereotypical, I have daddy issues. I had not come to terms with this fact until a couple of days ago, while crying... no... weeping, and listening to "I loved her first" by Heartland. [Which, by the way, will not be played at my wedding Thank you very much Spotify!] 😑

My reality? I've never felt enough and consequently no other person around me has been enough. My mom.. she was never able to provide me with enough love to fill the void, my grandmother, my friends, my partner, never enough to make me feel fully loved. & don't start on the love yourself first bit, that's not the point of this post.

My point? My father's addiction, a disease, has created dissonance. I can absolutely rationalize and advocate for addiction to be considered a disease, yet I have a ton of displaced blame and frustration and honestly, I have a ton of hurt.

I am hurt, distraught, that he didn't love me enough.

No, I'm not some egomaniac, I recognize that loving me enough won't beat addiction. Hence, dissonance. So.. help me out how do you practice forgiveness? I am working on it every day. I pray, I reframe, I'm in therapy, but I'm angry, distraught, and I really want to let it go... but can't.

Oh and note the name change: AmbiguJess honoring my own beautiful ambiguity through community building and the pursuit of healing.



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